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| No matter how much self reflection I've done on my own, I would never have been able to come close to the progress I've made with my therapist. Granted, I see him on average about once per month, but it really helps hearing from someone who's not emotionally invested in me (vs say my husband or a good friend).
He's helped me to understand that my interactions with my mom are not normal, that what she's done over the years is emotionally abuse me. She recently emailed me a birthday letter. Here's part of what she wrote (and excuse the grammatical errors):
I finally realized giving birth is not a full joy. It is mixed with joy and pain. And now there is only pain left. At this moment, I wish I had never given you birth. You have started doing whatever you can to torture me intentionally in the past ten years; the older you grow the further you play. You make everybody look at me like a monster, like a criminal. I still cannot figure out why you would treat your own mother this way. I regret, regret very much to bring you into this world. I don’t see any fun or any meaning of it when you have been so rude to me.
I had pretty much cut off most communication with her because as I got older, I realized how toxic she really is... how negative and manipulative. And despite me knowing this, I still can't help but feel guilty that I can't be the perfect daughter in her eyes. That I can't take all this shit, suck it up and keep a smile on my face like a good asian girl.
My therapist told me that I need to relearn good habits that were never taught to me as a child and to constantly remind myself that I am a good person. It's hard to believe that sometimes. Building self esteem is not easy at all... I've got so many years to try to neutralize. In the end, all I feel for her is pity.
Sometimes I just have to do what's right for me... and fuck whoever thinks I'm being mean to my mom. It's about self preservation because reality is... she's a crazy psychotic evil bitch. I wish she wasn't. I wish I had a normal mom. I wish I had a loving and supportive mom and believe me, I'm so unbelievably jealous of people who have great relationships with their parents.
All I can hope for is that I don't become the evil crazy bitch to my own future children. And therapy will get me closer to seeing that come true. | | |
| So I finally saw a psychologist for the first time ever. And I thought it went pretty well. It's more of an information gathering session but I felt comfortable with him and that seems to be a good start. I feel like I've taken a big step for myself... a foray into the "unknown"
It's funny though, being Asian, how much stigma there is about seeing a therapist. That we're supposed to keep our feelings and drama within the family. That we take the emotional (and physical for some folks) abuse and just eat it. I think that's total bullshit. I think it's because of the whole "keep it inside" that we're so jacked up sometimes. If I had the awareness that I have now about myself in high school, I could have saved myself A LOT of drama of the past 15 years.
Seeing a therapist is like getting a checkup on your mental health, just like people get a physical every year for their physical health. And since so much of our physical health is dependant on our mental health, we should be seeing therapists more. We are all fucked up in some way or form, so the sooner we figure out why we're fucked up, the faster we can "fix it" and enjoy the lives we have. | | |
| I don't know why but I feel like I'm suffocating all of a sudden. My life on paper seems so good and all I could think of today was "I need to get out of here!" I have this overwhelming urge to leave everything and it's just so weird because it's so illogical. Maybe I'm just in a funk today, not sure what it is. It probably doesn't help that I keep thinking about what it would feel like to kiss a guy that isn't my husband. Is that normal? that can't be normal.
I don't know what's wrong with me, guess it goes back to the feeling that I want to sabotage everything good I have so that I can work my way back up again. It's so dumb because I felt like crap doing that once already, so why would I want to deliberately do that to myself again?
Kind of makes me want to end life on a good note, before I go and screw things up. I would never take my own life, but if I were to get run over by a car or die in a head on collision right now or whatever freak accident you can think of, I'd be okay with that. Then again, because I'm okay with death, it just probably means I'll live until I'm past a hundred and shriveled up to nothingness, just so life can spite me. I just feel like I don't deserve what I have in my life right now.
"All good things must come to an end" - I believe this wholeheartedly. Chalk it up to the negative side of me. I can only hope that the good outlasts the bad and that I don't royally screw myself over somehow in the process. | | |
| So I've always been involved in orgs since I was in high school... with the exception of a 3 year period post college. And I've gotten to a point where I gravitate towards Asian focused organizations. Since English is my first language and whatever language I'm supposed to know is broken up and pretty much God awful and I obviously look Asian, I hang out with other ABC'ers like myself. Strange though because I totally could have gone the twinkie route but chose to "stick with my own kind" to the extent that the majority of my friends are Asian and I only dated Asian men up until I met my husband who is also Asian. Some might call that being racist, but I call it preference.
Anyways, where I live now has a lot of Asians but they are very scattered and there's not much sense of unity. But what's sadder is that the organizations that do exist here are run by complete morons. And sure, I could run a coup d'état but then I'd have to run the org and I can't do something like that alone. Hell, even if I did run an org, I would hit up against so many walls of apathy that it'd be pretty much pointless.
What's the point of orgs then? of coming together? when it's so obvious that pretty much almost no one gives a shit? and yet, I'm still drawn to orgs or at least, to be part of one and feel connected to others who are, on the surface at least, kind of like me.
But for those who do give a shit or would like to try to give a shit and feel an affinity towards hanging out with other Asians, check out http://www.naaapconvention.org being held this year in Denver, CO from August 13th to August 16th. Maybe it'll make more people less apathetic to being Asian in a non Asian world. Or it'll make people like me be more apathetic so that we can be like everyone else. I'm hoping for the former, but expecting the latter. | | |
| I have a lot of thoughts jumbled in my head right now. But I think they all boil down to... is this it for me? now that I've achieved XYZ, what's next to do? I should feel happy, and for the most part, I am, but at the same time, I feel so restless. So does that make me not as happy as I could be? What's "happy" anyways? How does one continue to stay happy once happiness is achieved?
It's funny how much my life is following the timeline of what we're supposed to, despite me never expecting life to fall that way.
college - check
real job - check
marriage - check
soon to be followed by house and baby in no particular order (so let's just assume "check") all before I turn the big 3-0.
So after that, is that it? I just become a working wife and mom? Is there really anything else that's deemed monumental that I should be working towards as a life goal? It's almost as if I'm done, life is finished and I have the next 40+ years to live towards nothing else.
I should be happy and instead I feel like I soon will have nothing left to work for or be excited about. It's like I want to sabotage what I have so that I have something to work towards again. Weird huh? My thoughts exactly.
*edit* funny how I come across this during Carolyn Hax's latest chat
Washington, D.C.: Hi Carolyn,
I really like reading your chats. I don't have terrible problem like some readers, but this does bother me a lot.
I feel very "gray." Nothing is exciting, and my job is okay (pays well and is challenging enough to hold interest, but not overly strenuous). I look at my life and think -- "Is this all there is? Another 30 years of getting up, going to work, just getting through until the weekend, and then retirement?"
What's wrong with me? I am serious. Is this normal or should I get help (from somewhere)?
Thanks.
Carolyn Hax: There are so so so many purposes waiting for someone to find them, particularly someone with time and means and untapped passion.
Please look around you, see what is really meaningful to you, or has been meaningful or inspiring before that you've let slip away unnoticed. Investing yourself in something larger than just self-sustenance can make even the dullest workday look brighter.
If you find you can think of anything that matters to you like than, then I would take that as your signal to get some medical attention, starting with a depression screening.
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